This workshop focused on encouragement and practicing techniques. Below is a brief description of what was shared.
Presenter #1: Jenny Wadsworth
Taught for 20 years. Struggled with practicing with her kids, didn’t like the relationship she had with her kids. Then she read a book called “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” that reminded her of herself. This was a big turning point for her where she didn’t want to be that way anymore.
(This is her journey through all this.)
Are we training behavior or raising people?
When she would teach her students, their parents would threaten them in the middle of the lesson.
Threats that she’s heard from parents during their students lesson:
“Remember, you’re on Santa’s naughty list.”
“I guess we’re not going to Chick-Fil –a”
“Cold Shower”
When adrenaline kicks in because of threats (remember, our bodies are only built to handle 15 minutes of adrenaline a week), all of their creativity goes away because it’s fight or flight. And these students are feeling this type of adrenaline because of parental threats daily.
It’s hard to keep up with all the treats, it’s overwhelming.
If kids have a label like, “they are ‘smart”’ then they only want to do the things that will show they are smart. And they won’t want to try difficult things that could show they are not smart.
What are the long-term goals for our children?
Life long learning
Independent thinking
Hard working
Self-reliant
Ask ourselves:
“Are our long-term goals and the way we are parenting (daily interactions with them) contributing in helping them become those people we want them to become?”
Don’t use punishment and rewards
A girl who was her [Jenny Wadsworth’s] idle-her whole young life had been the concert mistress in all the concerts, and played hard songs in 9th grade, and went on to amazing music schools, etc. But come to find out later she had a super-high controlling parent who made her daughter get up at 2am and practice for 4-5 hours before school and then practice more after school. The mother coached her on how to act in public, kept her out of social situations, if she wanted to go to a Morningside she had to get up even earlier to practice. Her mom would use food to control her and Jenny remembers she was always hungry.
Let the child speak for themselves in the lessons as well as make mistakes and be okay with it.
Shared a 5-minute video:
Gave MIT students all these rewards (money) depending on how well they did. This is how businesses work; they reward the top performers and ignore the little guys. If the task only involved a mechanical skill…
As soon as it involved a rudimentary cognitive skill it lead to lower performance. Then they went to India to try it again ($50 is like 2-weeks of pay for them), small reward, medium reward (1-month salary), high performers got a 2-month salary, the people with the highest reward did the worst of all. This experiment has been done over and over, and they’ve all found the same thing. Following basic rules works great, but once it requires free thinking-it leads to lower performance.
Pay people enough to take the issue of money off the table, so they stop thinking about money
Autonomy-desire to be self-directed. Engagement-self direction is better
Purpose-we want to have purpose and to do something that contributes to society
Mastery–
“Micromanaging is what mom [Jenny] was doing.”
“I’d ignore them [her children] being tired or having to go to the bathroom. Sleep deprived people struggle to remember positive thoughts, but can easily recall negative thoughts.”
A study showed kids with more sleep verse less sleep showed a 2-year age difference in their behavior.
Also, don’t control food. Our child has to trust us and be in a safe space, and they can’t be if they are in a freak out mode.
Listen and Lead by Richard Himmer
You’re behavior affects the people around you. It is a basic human right to feel safe.
A safe space is free of criticism, sarcasm, judgment, manipulation, control, and intimidation. Both parties’ should feel understood and safe.
Create a situation where the kids get to do the judging and judge how they are performing. If we can hold back our opinion about how they just played and ask them a truly neutral question and let them decide-they will choose to try again.
No unsolicited opinions-we get to be ENTIRELY neutral. It might take a few months, but they will get to the point of realizing if they really did their best, and if they go back to the teacher and have to practice again, then they’ll know.
No judging, no relating-one parent I know sits next to her child because they are a team. She doesn’t sit herself in front of them.
When we are creating this safe place, we need to know where to start:
Pyramids-Me-Parent is the most important person
You-the child is the most important person
Especially when they are teenagers-you want them to come to you when they have problems-not their friends
Are we a leader or a manager?
Manager-turn our children into objects-all about schedules-our point of view is right, etc.
Leader– is all about people and those people feel felt and heard
We must function within the YOU pyramid.
Study-9-months old-put microphone on the mom
Of the meaningful sounds that lead to real speech-in an emotional context-we
The kids want to see that they are bringing us as the parents joy and happiness. It doesn’t need to be over the top, but we need to enjoy their music and the cute things they do, and find and see them as human beings.
Movie-“Life is Beautiful” He kept his child safe
Be positive-it’ll help our children value it because it’s valuable in our eyes.
She can see a change in her younger children as she has changed her parenting verses with her oldest children (Her second child tried to kill her self last year-luckily she didn’t’ succeed and they are now on a better road. But it was difficult.
Presenter #2: Brittany Gardner
Nitti gritty for the daily practice
Been teaching for 15 years, started in Suzuki program, got a bachelors and masters in music and performance. And been a Suzuki mom for 5 years now.
You are going to adapt to the needs of your child and see them as their own individual person. And rejoice in their growth instead of viewing them as someone convenient for your life.
Are you willing to let this be YOUR child’s journey?
“I don’t remember what I practiced on with my dad but I remember that he was there every time. I remember spending time with him. I remember crying a lot because it was hard but I knew that he believed in me. We now have a relationship where when there is a problem I can go to him and we work things out. I am a middle child, and I know that a parent’s time is limited, but I noticed that he spent time with me, and I knew that I was important to him because he gave me his time. You are showing them they are important to you because you are giving them your time.”
Practicing is the same as eating your vegetables. You can’t just eat a big salad on Sunday and call it good. You need a consistent commitment to a healthy practice. If you want to grow with your children your practice needs to be a consistent thing. My kids get their birthday and Christmas off from practice-it is so much easier than trying to start up practice again after a break. It’s like brushing your teeth. Sunday is a modified practice.
What’s the point of practice?
(Parents answered):
“A little bit of effort everyday-consistency helps to accomplish things-just like in life. Trying to make things easy that were once hard. They will come to see this over time.”
“To improve.”
“Mastery of a skill-a lot of security and confidence-easy things become hard-they may be willing to try other hard things later on.”
“Perspective-math, reading-increased mental facility.”
What makes a good practice to make you feel satisfied?
(Parents answered):
“No tears.”
“To like playing…”
“When the child has a good feeling of accomplishment or a sense of self, it builds confidence.”
“Flow-all the stars align-they’re not hungry, they are happy-there’s momentum and energy behind it.”
You are practicing with them now to train them and teach them and show them how to be able to do it on their own-autonomy.
When things go really great in a practice, I get a really neat snapshot of my child-who they can become, what makes them happy. (Had her daughter play perpetual motion and played with the recording, and she was able to stay with it, and to see her get so excited was amazing).
BELIEVE
I hope you go home thinking, “I believe my child can.”
If they are not meeting a goal that you think they should-reassess things. Children will rise to the expectations that you place upon them. If you believe they can attain a goal, then they will.
When I go to my child’s lesson, I take notes. (She shows how she takes notes each time):
The cool part of the Suzuki method is it gives the parents a part of it. We become partners in our child’s growth. I can call on specific inspiration for my kids, where I know I need to help them with something, so I will know what to help them with.
I write down the compliments that the teacher gives to my child. She’s [the teacher] a master at saying things in only a complimentary way.
Some of the compliments I’ve written down from my child’s teacher is:
“I love the cheerful feeling…”
“You fixed your fourth finger.”
This helps me as the parent to focus my mind on the positive things of the child. And it teaches me how to praise my child. Write down your teacher’s language on how to instruct your child.
(Additional notes may follow).
Thank you to all who attended!!
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